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au bord du neant ou la ou la mer se rejoint

What does not kill you, makes you stronger

mardi 10 octobre 2006

posté sans aucune relecture

j'ai fais 3 tentatives de suicide....ce sujet m'a tjs affecté, tjs rentrer dedans, comme la mort elle fait partie de mes tournement, de mes cauchements(chaque fois que je me souviens de mes reves c pcq qqun est mort dedans)de mes craintes...la peur de perdre mes amis est une angoisse avec laquelle je vis chaque jour.

la mort me touche, me fait peur, me fait crainte le pire, la mort...je l'ai froler. 3 fois.
je sais les souffrances, je sais a quel pts ca fesse, a quel pts ca fait mal, a quel point il y a rien entre la mort et nous.

il y a la mort, la séduisante mort...et rien.
c'est ce rien qui fait choisir la mort.
c'est ce rien qui permet a l'act de se faire.
c'est ce vide, ce manque de ressouces, d'amour, de souffrance(tellement mais tellement) qui conduit a la mort.
la mort...la séduisance mort.
mais est ce qui charme les gens
non
c'est l'arret de soufffrance

c'est pas mourir, c'est vouloir arreyer de souffrir.
c'est cet arret que les gens(que moi) voulaient.

c'est arreter la douleur
cette douleur qui est présente a chaque seconde, cette douleur qui brule...qui fait mal...que meme la drogue, l'alcool engouillse plus...cette douleur...qui donne un acces directe a la mort.



une douleur, une souffrance...invivable...une douleur...qui a aucun mot.

le murmure qui des autres qui ns atteints plus

la joie...des autres nous font chier...sont heureux et POURQUOI PAS MOI?


une douleur folle, coupante comme un couteau....pire que tout...pire...que n'importe quoi......

j'aimerais etre capable de vous explique exactement ce que cette douleur fait.
etre capable de mettre des mots.

j'en suis incapable

tantot...ce pm j'ai appris la mort d'une fille de mon programme.
assis a mon pupitre j'ai vu défiler mes histoires de suicide.

assis dans le fond d'une classe, les genoux sous mon menton, les larmes qui coulent pendant que les profs parlent.


sortie de la classe...quelques mains se tentent vers moi...ca va aller....un signe de tete vague qui ressemble ni a un oui ou a un non....

dirige vers le 4eme...l'étage de notre département...

B me ramasse par l'épaule et je me blotie dans ses bras. merci. juste une colle de 15 secondes vaut milles mots.
les filles feront la meme chose plus tard. on se tient. on est en vie.

le monde sont calme...ambiande fuckée...

tout le monde se regarde.

tout le monde le sait.

cette fille avait une immence distance entre elle et nous.
elle faisait peur...on avait peur qu'elle s'attaque a nous physiquement!

mais...c'étais une fille parmis nous....une éleve comme nous.


j'espere...j'espere seulement peu importe ou elle est...qu'elle est bien......





28 Comments:

At 10/12/2006 3:32 p.m., Blogger Zia said...

Chère Anne,
Il y avait longtemps que je n'avais pas "mis les pieds chez toi"...

Je voulais juste te dire que ton post me touche, comme d'autres commentaires de ta part avant cela. Je pense à toi, à elle... et à tant d'autres en ce jeudi gris d'octobre...

 
At 10/14/2006 6:55 p.m., Blogger Cloutov said...

Je suis pantois devant ton témoignage rempli de sincérité et de vérité. Que dire de plus? sinon que la vie vaut la peine d'être vécue?

 
At 10/17/2006 12:23 a.m., Blogger maree@nne said...

merci...

ce mot veut tant dire de chose et ce malgré qu'il est si simple...


merci

 
At 10/20/2006 11:18 a.m., Anonymous Anonyme said...

crisstoffer! Y'a tellement de choix dans la vie.. ôte tes 'lunettes à marde' pis regarde la vie plus positivement! Y'a tellemetn de choix: Zoloft, Paxil, Prozac...

Tu gaspilles ton énergie à brasser du noir! :(

 
At 10/22/2006 5:59 p.m., Blogger Cloutov said...

Patchouli, c'est pcq un blog, par définition, t'écris cque tu veux la-dedans...si t'aime pas le canal, tu changes de poste, personne t'y oblige!

 
At 10/23/2006 9:55 a.m., Anonymous Anonyme said...

justement, j'écris ce que je veux là-dedans...

 
At 10/24/2006 6:44 p.m., Blogger maree@nne said...

merci chevalier cloutov!!!!!!!


mon cher petit pat...

mais qui-es tu?

d'ou arrives-tu?

j'aimerais bien connaitre ton identité moi!!!!!:-)
tu sais quand on arrive chez les gens. il faut se présenter non?

alors j'attends moi!!!!!!!!

 
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